I Got Angry At God
I am one of the most patient people I know, except now I am starting to get impatient in my 'old age'.
What I am about to talk about is something deeply personal.
I have Polycystic Ovaries Syndrome, a health condition which now affects 12-21 percent of women in Australia, strongly prevalent in women who are overweight.
On an X-ray it looks like strands of pearls are imbedded in the ovaries, affecting hormones and fertility.
Yes it can be treated. Yes I can still have kids. It will just take a little longer for me to do so with the right treatment.
Am I currently trying for a baby? The answer to that is no.
So why I am writing about this? What does this have to do with my getting angry at God?
My desires for my life are simple.
1. Be an author (IN PROGRESS)
2. Having an amazing man to grow old with - CHECK.
3. Have children with said man - ?
Okay - so the question mark is driving me crazy and it has been hanging over me for six years.
Why did I get angry at God?
Because I know that God can change it - and right now, he's not.
Remember a couple of blogs ago I wrote about Getting Angry With God?
Well last night, I actually got angry at God - with tears and grief.
First I asked him a question that he gets millions of times a day and all from different people.
"Why?" Then I went on to ask. "Are you saying no, not now or no - never? Because if you are saying no - never, I honestly don't know what I'll do." Then I told God what I have been holding in for so long. "I'm sorry God, but I'm mad at you...why won't you give me what I want when I want it?!"
After that, all I could do was go and recline on the couch and watch television - my rant was over and I was mentally and physically spent.
This morning when I woke up, I felt strangely peaceful - I went to the gym and worked out for half an hour before hitting the sauna.
The sauna to me what the confession box is to Catholics.
If it's empty I'll talk to God, I'll ask him for wisdom, for strength and courage.
This morning I was grateful to find my steamy confession box vacant except for myself, because I had something I needed to say.
"I'm sorry for being angry at you, but it hurts not knowing what will happen. I am in limbo between hope and grief and I feel discouraged...my faith is breaking."
It's an awful thing for a Christian to confess to God - I felt like doubting Thomas from the Bible, a hypocrite, he's the disciple that needed physical evidence to believe that Jesus had rose again.
I believed in God who healed me of depression and anxiety - but I am still waiting for this promise.
Today I asked God what he had to say and he told me gently. "Get on with it."
What. The. Hell?!
I ask God what is taking so long and he tells me to 'get on with it'?!
Frustrated, I picked up my Bible and found Psalm 42:8.
"Deep calls to deep, at the roar of your water-falls, all your waves and breakers have gone over me. By the day the Lord commands his steadfast love and at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life."
Then I turned to Genesis 17:15
And God said to Abraham. "As for your wife, you will no longer call her Sarai but Sarah shall be her name. I will bless her and she shall be nations, kings of peoples shall come from her."
Then Abraham fell on his face and laughed.
"Shall a child be born from a one hundred year old man? Shall Sarah who is ninety bear a child?"
Sarah is old and barren and it looks like a hopeless case for fertility and then...
Genesis 21:1
The Lord visited Sarah as he had said he would at the time he promised. Sarah conceived and bore a son at the time of which God had spoken.
I find it really ironic that I was named after that particular character in the Bible.
At this stage I cannot tell you whether the promises the Lord gave to Sarah are the ones he has given to me. But now that I have moved past the anger, there is now time for thoughts for acceptance and being at peace with whatever comes to pass.
Ecclesiastes 8:15
"And I commend joy, for man has nothing under the sun but to eat, drink and be joyful."
And that is what I will do. I will get on with it.
I wrote this blog in hope that women who have Polycystic Ovaries Syndrome will talk to someone, whether it is a trusted loved one or a GP about their concerns in regards to treatment or their fears about fertility.
I know it hurts - how your body isn't doing something it was designed to do and that people you love are having babies left, right and center. You are happy and excited for them and you hope that one day you will be given the same blessing. And I will be hoping for you too!
For those of you who are angry at God. Tell him so He can bring you back onto a path of peace.
- Sarah xx
What I am about to talk about is something deeply personal.
I have Polycystic Ovaries Syndrome, a health condition which now affects 12-21 percent of women in Australia, strongly prevalent in women who are overweight.
On an X-ray it looks like strands of pearls are imbedded in the ovaries, affecting hormones and fertility.
Yes it can be treated. Yes I can still have kids. It will just take a little longer for me to do so with the right treatment.
Am I currently trying for a baby? The answer to that is no.
So why I am writing about this? What does this have to do with my getting angry at God?
My desires for my life are simple.
1. Be an author (IN PROGRESS)
2. Having an amazing man to grow old with - CHECK.
3. Have children with said man - ?
Okay - so the question mark is driving me crazy and it has been hanging over me for six years.
Why did I get angry at God?
Because I know that God can change it - and right now, he's not.
Remember a couple of blogs ago I wrote about Getting Angry With God?
Well last night, I actually got angry at God - with tears and grief.
First I asked him a question that he gets millions of times a day and all from different people.
"Why?" Then I went on to ask. "Are you saying no, not now or no - never? Because if you are saying no - never, I honestly don't know what I'll do." Then I told God what I have been holding in for so long. "I'm sorry God, but I'm mad at you...why won't you give me what I want when I want it?!"
After that, all I could do was go and recline on the couch and watch television - my rant was over and I was mentally and physically spent.
This morning when I woke up, I felt strangely peaceful - I went to the gym and worked out for half an hour before hitting the sauna.
The sauna to me what the confession box is to Catholics.
If it's empty I'll talk to God, I'll ask him for wisdom, for strength and courage.
This morning I was grateful to find my steamy confession box vacant except for myself, because I had something I needed to say.
"I'm sorry for being angry at you, but it hurts not knowing what will happen. I am in limbo between hope and grief and I feel discouraged...my faith is breaking."
It's an awful thing for a Christian to confess to God - I felt like doubting Thomas from the Bible, a hypocrite, he's the disciple that needed physical evidence to believe that Jesus had rose again.
I believed in God who healed me of depression and anxiety - but I am still waiting for this promise.
Today I asked God what he had to say and he told me gently. "Get on with it."
What. The. Hell?!
I ask God what is taking so long and he tells me to 'get on with it'?!
Frustrated, I picked up my Bible and found Psalm 42:8.
"Deep calls to deep, at the roar of your water-falls, all your waves and breakers have gone over me. By the day the Lord commands his steadfast love and at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life."
Then I turned to Genesis 17:15
And God said to Abraham. "As for your wife, you will no longer call her Sarai but Sarah shall be her name. I will bless her and she shall be nations, kings of peoples shall come from her."
Then Abraham fell on his face and laughed.
"Shall a child be born from a one hundred year old man? Shall Sarah who is ninety bear a child?"
Sarah is old and barren and it looks like a hopeless case for fertility and then...
Genesis 21:1
The Lord visited Sarah as he had said he would at the time he promised. Sarah conceived and bore a son at the time of which God had spoken.
I find it really ironic that I was named after that particular character in the Bible.
At this stage I cannot tell you whether the promises the Lord gave to Sarah are the ones he has given to me. But now that I have moved past the anger, there is now time for thoughts for acceptance and being at peace with whatever comes to pass.
Ecclesiastes 8:15
"And I commend joy, for man has nothing under the sun but to eat, drink and be joyful."
And that is what I will do. I will get on with it.
I wrote this blog in hope that women who have Polycystic Ovaries Syndrome will talk to someone, whether it is a trusted loved one or a GP about their concerns in regards to treatment or their fears about fertility.
I know it hurts - how your body isn't doing something it was designed to do and that people you love are having babies left, right and center. You are happy and excited for them and you hope that one day you will be given the same blessing. And I will be hoping for you too!
For those of you who are angry at God. Tell him so He can bring you back onto a path of peace.
- Sarah xx
Comments
Post a Comment