Why I Believe
Psalms 138:8
The Lord will fulfil his purpose for me, your love O Lord endures forever - do not abandon the works of your hands.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Saying Yes to God is the best thing I have ever done.
Sounds like a typical Jesus freak cliché, I know. But as you read this blog I hope you fully understand why I live for Christ.
As a five year old child I was diagnosed with Audio-Processing, a mild form of Autism.
The doctor shook his head sadly and told my Mum point-blanc that I would never amount to much in life, that I would never gain maturity, make my own choices, have a career, have a husband or family.
I don't know how much my Mum's heart broke at that moment, but I know now that she was angry enough to make sure that I broke out of that box that the doctor put me in.
Twenty years later, I have matured, it may take me a few moments but I can process things, I have a calling on my life to minister to children and in a committed relationship with a fantastic guy who loves me more than I thought was possible.
All of that was from my mother's incredible love for me, aside from that Mum had- and still has, to this day a great heart for God. Mind you, we did walk in the world for eight years before hearing God's call on our hearts to come back to Him. That is a story for another day, because today I want to tell you about why I believe.
I came back to God in 2009 and for the past five years I have been getting to know his love for me daily, through good days and bad days. I am going to be up front here, compared to many people I have had a blessed life. I have never known a life without love and compassion, I have never gone to bed starving or neglected. And that is the way it should be and I am grateful that my parents showed me that. I can tell you that I have had very bad days. Some of them were sporadic and others could last days. I was nineteen when my G.P told me I had P.O.S, polycystic ovaries syndrome, the bottom line of that is getting pregnant could be harder than it was for other women. I knew from a young age that I wanted to be Mum and this news was a devastating blow, that my body wouldn't be able to function the way it should for me to conceive. It has taken me awhile, but I am believing that sustaining healthy eating habits, exercise and a spiritual connection with God will give me back my fertility. I know that sounds crazy, but when you have God it gets easier to believe in miracles!
Which brings me to another bad day, another miracle.
One minute I felt that I was on top of the world, the next minute I was about to fall off the edge of it.
I had just landed a part-time job after a year and a half of working my butt off, I had great friends, an awesome boyfriend and a supportive, loving family. Where had it all gone wrong? Why did I suddenly feel despair? At first I thought it was just a bad day, I was trying to adjust to a new job and there had been a friendship break-down, a friend had died from cancer, I missed my sister who was staying four months as an au pair in the U.S. But when a bad day turned into a bad week, I felt something was very wrong.
I felt very tired and sad, like it was an effort to get out of bed in the morning. My cousin felt there was something wrong with me, because I was dazed and distracted. I went to the doctor who diagnosed me with depression and anxiety and it hit me and my family hard, I hated how I had gone from happy-go-lucky to somebody who was questioning whether the people she loved really loved her. Within two weeks of my diagnosis, I knew that dealing with the illness and working with children was not going to mesh.
So I handed in my resignation. I felt so angry and cheated, all that hard work and where had that left me? I felt that God was punishing me for something. What had I done?
Had I had too much fun the year before? Had I been happy and rubbing it in people's faces without knowing? Was God mad at me for moving in with A. before marriage?
My parents took me to their church, my old church and Pastor Patsy banished any thoughts of God being angry with me, telling the story about Job, a faithful servant of God who lost everything.
His livestock, his wealth and property, even his wayward children whom he loved.
At the beginning of the story, it said that Satan had been walking the earth when he saw Job and appeared before the Lord, wanting to take everything from Job. What Satan really wanted was a dedicated servant of God to think he was abandoned, so God allowed Satan to test Job's faith.
And Job's faith was tested, he had a pity-party for a moment and then worshipped God no matter what his friends told him. Seeing Job's faith in him, God gave back everything that Satan had taken from Job and gave him more than he had started out with. After hearing that story, I was humbled and grateful, because I knew God had not punished me and that I was being tested.
What if I turned the tables on Satan? Instead of turning away from God I ran to him instead?
Jeremiah 29:11, 12, 13
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me if you seek me with all your heart."
That moment is where my quest to find and re-connect with God truly began, in the mornings when it was hard to get out of bed the first thing I fed was my soul. I read Lamentations, a very depressing account of the fall of Jerusalem, how she was torn down only to be built back up by God and I knew that somehow, God was going to take the shattered pieces of my heart and build me back up, wiser and stronger.
I read many, many things that rejuvenated my hope and faith while I was in a season where I had no choice but to be still if I wanted to reclaim my health.
Within four months, I was able to throw away the little pink pills I had been required to have each morning.
In six months I fully recovered my physical strength.
In seven months I looked up at the sky for the first time and looking in awe at it, God's own personal art gallery open all day and night. That was when I felt the change inside me, the knowing that God had just healed me of my depression and anxiety.
In twelve months I went back to work.
Psalms 116
I love the Lord, for He heard my voice; He heard my cry for mercy.
Because He turned to me, I will call on Him as long as I live.
If you are suffering from a mental illness, know that even though you feel like it - you are not alone and never will be alone. God is for you, He loves you. Sounds like a typical Jesus freak cliché, but its true. We all have pasts, regrets that keep us up at night - and even then, God is there.
If you let him into your heart, it will not only change your life - it will change you from the inside out. It took me a lot of time, questioning why I felt the things I did and make sense of them.
That season is behind me now. I, like Jerusalem was torn down before God built me back up again.
Like Job I had things that mattered to me taken away, but God gave those back to me; as well as a stronger sense of self and most of all, who I am in God's eyes.
That is why I believe.
Psalms 25:7
Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me; for you are good, O Lord.
The Lord will fulfil his purpose for me, your love O Lord endures forever - do not abandon the works of your hands.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Saying Yes to God is the best thing I have ever done.
Sounds like a typical Jesus freak cliché, I know. But as you read this blog I hope you fully understand why I live for Christ.
As a five year old child I was diagnosed with Audio-Processing, a mild form of Autism.
The doctor shook his head sadly and told my Mum point-blanc that I would never amount to much in life, that I would never gain maturity, make my own choices, have a career, have a husband or family.
I don't know how much my Mum's heart broke at that moment, but I know now that she was angry enough to make sure that I broke out of that box that the doctor put me in.
Twenty years later, I have matured, it may take me a few moments but I can process things, I have a calling on my life to minister to children and in a committed relationship with a fantastic guy who loves me more than I thought was possible.
All of that was from my mother's incredible love for me, aside from that Mum had- and still has, to this day a great heart for God. Mind you, we did walk in the world for eight years before hearing God's call on our hearts to come back to Him. That is a story for another day, because today I want to tell you about why I believe.
I came back to God in 2009 and for the past five years I have been getting to know his love for me daily, through good days and bad days. I am going to be up front here, compared to many people I have had a blessed life. I have never known a life without love and compassion, I have never gone to bed starving or neglected. And that is the way it should be and I am grateful that my parents showed me that. I can tell you that I have had very bad days. Some of them were sporadic and others could last days. I was nineteen when my G.P told me I had P.O.S, polycystic ovaries syndrome, the bottom line of that is getting pregnant could be harder than it was for other women. I knew from a young age that I wanted to be Mum and this news was a devastating blow, that my body wouldn't be able to function the way it should for me to conceive. It has taken me awhile, but I am believing that sustaining healthy eating habits, exercise and a spiritual connection with God will give me back my fertility. I know that sounds crazy, but when you have God it gets easier to believe in miracles!
Which brings me to another bad day, another miracle.
One minute I felt that I was on top of the world, the next minute I was about to fall off the edge of it.
I had just landed a part-time job after a year and a half of working my butt off, I had great friends, an awesome boyfriend and a supportive, loving family. Where had it all gone wrong? Why did I suddenly feel despair? At first I thought it was just a bad day, I was trying to adjust to a new job and there had been a friendship break-down, a friend had died from cancer, I missed my sister who was staying four months as an au pair in the U.S. But when a bad day turned into a bad week, I felt something was very wrong.
I felt very tired and sad, like it was an effort to get out of bed in the morning. My cousin felt there was something wrong with me, because I was dazed and distracted. I went to the doctor who diagnosed me with depression and anxiety and it hit me and my family hard, I hated how I had gone from happy-go-lucky to somebody who was questioning whether the people she loved really loved her. Within two weeks of my diagnosis, I knew that dealing with the illness and working with children was not going to mesh.
So I handed in my resignation. I felt so angry and cheated, all that hard work and where had that left me? I felt that God was punishing me for something. What had I done?
Had I had too much fun the year before? Had I been happy and rubbing it in people's faces without knowing? Was God mad at me for moving in with A. before marriage?
My parents took me to their church, my old church and Pastor Patsy banished any thoughts of God being angry with me, telling the story about Job, a faithful servant of God who lost everything.
His livestock, his wealth and property, even his wayward children whom he loved.
At the beginning of the story, it said that Satan had been walking the earth when he saw Job and appeared before the Lord, wanting to take everything from Job. What Satan really wanted was a dedicated servant of God to think he was abandoned, so God allowed Satan to test Job's faith.
And Job's faith was tested, he had a pity-party for a moment and then worshipped God no matter what his friends told him. Seeing Job's faith in him, God gave back everything that Satan had taken from Job and gave him more than he had started out with. After hearing that story, I was humbled and grateful, because I knew God had not punished me and that I was being tested.
What if I turned the tables on Satan? Instead of turning away from God I ran to him instead?
Jeremiah 29:11, 12, 13
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me if you seek me with all your heart."
That moment is where my quest to find and re-connect with God truly began, in the mornings when it was hard to get out of bed the first thing I fed was my soul. I read Lamentations, a very depressing account of the fall of Jerusalem, how she was torn down only to be built back up by God and I knew that somehow, God was going to take the shattered pieces of my heart and build me back up, wiser and stronger.
I read many, many things that rejuvenated my hope and faith while I was in a season where I had no choice but to be still if I wanted to reclaim my health.
Within four months, I was able to throw away the little pink pills I had been required to have each morning.
In six months I fully recovered my physical strength.
In seven months I looked up at the sky for the first time and looking in awe at it, God's own personal art gallery open all day and night. That was when I felt the change inside me, the knowing that God had just healed me of my depression and anxiety.
In twelve months I went back to work.
Psalms 116
I love the Lord, for He heard my voice; He heard my cry for mercy.
Because He turned to me, I will call on Him as long as I live.
If you are suffering from a mental illness, know that even though you feel like it - you are not alone and never will be alone. God is for you, He loves you. Sounds like a typical Jesus freak cliché, but its true. We all have pasts, regrets that keep us up at night - and even then, God is there.
If you let him into your heart, it will not only change your life - it will change you from the inside out. It took me a lot of time, questioning why I felt the things I did and make sense of them.
That season is behind me now. I, like Jerusalem was torn down before God built me back up again.
Like Job I had things that mattered to me taken away, but God gave those back to me; as well as a stronger sense of self and most of all, who I am in God's eyes.
That is why I believe.
Psalms 25:7
Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me; for you are good, O Lord.
Comments
Post a Comment